On December 30, 2023, I was gently nudged by the blog publisher. "Do you have a blog entry to post this month?" she innocently messaged. Not knowing that I felt bone dry of blog material. I broke down, cried, and accepted it. Then I decided to write what is real.
From the beginning of each month I have on my "To Do" list - "BLOG"...all month every month until the blog post writes itself.
To explain: sometimes a scent, a sentence or silence will trigger a whisper of inspiration. From there a blog post grows in its somewhat unreliable womb - my brain. Then I write.
I have finally mastered the art of typing without looking (better late than never) and I love to see what comes out of the end of my fingertips. Often the actual WRITING of it is easy with the reward of seeing what ends up on the screen in front of me.
80% of the time I really love my life. It is rich, full, rewarding and educational.
20% of the time I do not. It is scary beyond most imagination. I cry buckets, I try to make myself smaller, I imagine hiding and go in circles of panic. I fight this hard, much thanks to my loyal therapist. But sometimes the wave is too big, I get swept under and every creative part of me, writing included, starts drowning.
I have strengths and gifts. A working life that feels as if I do not work a day in my life surrounded by animals, beauty, a great community, faith, good folks and support. I am fulfilled and give back. I have often been referred to as the woman who always smiles. My smile is now most often real. However it was used as a mask for so long that habit can win over and I'm once again smiling to hide depression. In the sidelines this familiar companion nudges me.
Always an optimist, I attempt to turn away but sometimes she takes over the party.
December with its festivities, parties, and gatherings can be amazing, joyous. It can also be drenched in waves of sadness. This December my waves were so frequent, I felt I needed oxygen.
I offer a short list of miracles that kept me afloat during the last several weeks :
1) Puppies. My golden retriever, Cora, had eight beautiful pups this December. The miracle of their whelping and witnessing their growth has brought heartwarming breath to my lungs.
2) My faith. The light that faith has given me I consider a daily miracle.
For each of us waves of hardships can sweep over, knocking and spinning our worlds. So to those who have similar stories, I dedicate this blog.
May this New Year bring each and everyone small or big miracles to level the waves of life.
Happy New Year,
Christina